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Why Can’t I Just Let It Go?

February 17, 2012

Good Morning, Mackrophiles:

I try not to ask ‘Why Me?’ anymore. I’ve gotten to this point where thinking about my misfortunes just makes me miserable and really, my life isn’t as bad as it gets, unless you count the fact that I’m thousands of dollars in debt and have no real, practical way to pay any of it back yet. Life is full of worse problems than mine. I don’t actually believe I’m being singled out for unusual treatment by an uncaring world.

I just think things could be better, if I could just get more books sold and more music finished and sold as well. I wouldn’t mind making some graphics money right about now, too, but finding time and energy to do graphics right now is complicated anyway. I’m kind of between states of creativity right now, but the one thing that doesn’t seem to be coming easy at the moment is art. *sigh*

What I often wind up asking myself instead is ‘Why do I do these things?’ I even wrote a song with that title, years and years ago. It’s one of the ones that needs to be rerecorded properly, so I won’t be linking to it, even though I’m pretty sure it’s online somewhere. Probably buried on my website where only a few people can find it. Probably for the best that it stays that way.

But yeah, that’s the big question I find myself asking too much. The question I SHOULD be asking is ‘HOW do I do these things?’. I’ve tried to figure out my working methods and the best ways to keep me focussed and channeling my creative energy in wise directions, but there’s a lot of make believe going on as far as what I think I know and what I actually know about the things I do. Lots of fumbling and mistakes I should have had sorted out years ago. The only thing I’m absolutely sure I do well is write lyrics and, occasionally, fiction. The rest is just stuff I can’t stop myself from trying to do, but I might as well be banging on pots and selling construction paper cut-out art.

Oh, there’s that self-pity. Not really. Just saying, I’m still unsure about most of my so-called talents, and yet suffer from enough hubris to think I can get by without any guiding hands or training wheels, because I never had much in the way in mentoring, and have pretty much had to make it up as I went along for most of my life. Sure, school taught me stuff, but even my fairly liberal schooling could only provide me with the fundamentals and enough room to sort out what it actually means.

I talk about myself a lot in this blog, but I try to do it in a way that doesn’t sound like grandstanding. I just prefer to use myself as an example to explain my thoughts and observations about people. I don’t really have the monumental ego that casual readers might think I do. I just prefer that, if I’m gonna make an example of anyone undeserving of too much critical attention, then it’s going to me, because I know it’s not personal. 😉

Anyway, I’m hoping to have company to work on music with today, so I’m listening to the tracks I’m hoping NOT to work on later. I’ll have to grab a shower shortly, so I’d better cut this short. As always, questions and comments are welcome. Thanks for reading.

Eddie.

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