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You Can Do If You Try

December 3, 2011

Good Morning, Campers!

I see from our roster that we’ve had several people go home early. All I can say about that is, you were told about sneaking off into the woods after light’s out, so don’t act too surprised that so many of you were sent home. And to the girls, I’d like to add that I hope your expected children grow up to be healthy and beautiful.

Now, on to the business of the day. As your camp counsellor, it falls to me to be the one to mention that the camping season has come to an end, and we’ll be closing down for the season in the coming week. In that time, I hope you will all have packed your stuff and obtained rides back to whatever warrens or dens of iniquity you originate from, and that your parents give you all a sound thrashing for the hijinks you’ve gotten up to while you were here.

There’s a rumour going around the camp that we won’t be back in the new year, owing to the increase in slasher-related deaths that have been reported down by the lake. I would like to assure you that these rumours are not true, and of course we will all be back next year to reap the new crop of pubescent dunderheads who clearly can’t recognise a slasher scenario when they are in one.

There have been a rash of thefts from the camp cafeteria, and I just want to express my awe and admiration of whichever of you have been eliminating the cook’s prize-winning curried meatloaf, which I must admit has taken on a very leathery, long-pig-like consistency that even I was having trouble choking down. Don’t let me catch any of you touching the Salisbury Steak, however, or there will be limbs lost.

So, in conclusion, I would like to thank Katie and Sarah for offering to keep my bunk warm this year, and to the rest of you girls, you’ll get your chance next year. Have a great year, and don’t forget to sign those cheques to your Uncle Eddie personally.


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